im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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