Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
