My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
