we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
