They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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