I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
