I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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