Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
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