I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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