i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
