I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
i drank out of a bidet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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