she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
