She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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