"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
