Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
