i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
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