I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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