And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
