Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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