i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
