I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
