apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
