no, he came in my armpit
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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