Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
