I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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