There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
