yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
