how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
