I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
