So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
