i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
