who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
