I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
