i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
