just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
This baby is an asshole
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
