Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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