there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He felt like a one man threesome
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
