I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
