saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
