Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
