I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
