Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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