I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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