so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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