i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
