Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
