I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
