i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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