Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
