what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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